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Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Excerpt from Again In a Heartbeat
Before John, I had little experience with men. It was John who taught me about myself. You aren’t as strong and confident as you want people to believe, he said.
It was John who gave me everything a woman could want in a man. A bouquet of yellow roses with a hand-printed card. “Happy Wednesday.”
John came to me when I least expected it. John left me when I least expected it. Not that it was his fault. But I blamed him anyway. Ghosts of regret haunt my memories. That day in the kitchen, me shouting, “I wish I’d never met you!”
Perhaps, I have been too hard on myself. John said I was. But being hard on myself is part of the woman I am. “I should have done more,” I told my friends. “I could have been kinder.”
To escape from my grief, I tried to fill the empty space left by John. Much of the time, I wasn’t escaping anything – just changing places, changing skirts, changing months, changing nothing.
The first time I saw John he was standing under white dogwood trees at Washington Military Academy. He held himself very tall with a presence.
Arrested by his ease and confidence, I felt a jolt as John’s dark eyes locked onto mine. I wanted to look away but he wouldn’t let me. Who was this man? From this, arises my story.